Thursday, March 10, 2011

Red Riding Hood Pre-Review

Dear Internet:
Red Riding Hood going to suck.
Need I say more?

OK, I will then.  I'll base this on, say, an arbitrary 5-point system.

Director of Twilight.  -1 point.  Admittedly, this is a bit prejudiced, but using the name at this point when many, MANY people are sick of these movies is a bad idea.  Honestly, I don't know ONE PERSON who liked the Twilight movies (though I suppose I'm not friends with a lot of teenage girls, but I digress), and even amoungst my limited circle of friends, that's still pretty impressive.  Also, way to branch out!  A story about a girl in love with someone who is not only an unnatural creature, but a dashing rouge who is not generally accepted as "normal" by the rest of the community?  So original.  Stick to what you know, I guess.

Trying to retell a fairy tale.  -2 points.  This is a hard feat in general, but leaving it up to Hollywood is a bad plan.  Suppossedly, in this version, the "wolf" is a werewolf.  (Spoiler: it's totally the main girl, and if not, she's going to be bit at the end by the werewolf.)  Admittedly, it IS a werewolf in some of the original versions, but that's not the version I know, and making it a horror movie is just doing us a disservice, as I'm sure it will be filled with predictable jump scares and plot points.  Honestly, I feel as though this has been said to movies so many times before, it's just all around a bad idea.
I feel like this should be more of a satire.  A retelling of a story, meant to criticize the currently oversaturated genre of horror, all of which are becoming more predictable than the average romantic comedy.
Also, after some heavy research (on Wikipedia), I found that this has been made into a movie SEVEN TIMES before now.  No further comment.

The trailer.  -1 point.  To the average viewer, this trailer will seem "pretty cool".  But when you break it down, and relize that this is the trailer is for a supposed horror movie, Nine Inch Nails' "The Hand That Feeds" begins to seem much less appropriate.  When I saw the first 30 second TV spot, I honestly could not even comprehend what the movie was about.  Also, any trailer that proclaims its movie as "A Breathtaking Vision" needs to climb down off of its horse.

Amanda Seyfried.  -.5 point.  Another superficial mark, but I just do not like her, and not ONE movie she has been in (sans Mean Girls, of course) have I liked.  All of them are simply insulting, and this one feels no different.  No more comment, really.

Overall: .5.  Honestly, this movie doesn't look good at all, and I doubt it will be enjoyable for anyone involved in... watching... it...
That poorly-crafted scentence aside, I always wonder where Hollywood gets its ideas.  Admittedly, with a little Wikipedia, I doubt it would be a problem to figure it out, but it's one of those things that's more fun in your head.


A single light from the ceiling illuminates an ovular table, at which 13 robed men, their faces hidden in shadow, sit.  The largest man is sitting at the back end of the table, in front of dozens of large monitors, showing the world or scenes from various movies.

LARGE MAN: Gentlemen.  We need a new movie concept.
A smaller, mousy-looking man stands from his place at the table.  He speaks in a hesitant voice.
MOUSY MAN: S-sir, I do believe we have found a suitable contender.
He pauses for a moment.
LARGE MAN: Continue.
MOUSY MAN: You see, sir, children these days no longer watch our retellings of fairy tales.  Since Dreamworks and Pixar have been making all of these new animated movies which create their own fairy tale canon, we are not able to appeal to them with remakes of classic tales.
LARGE MAN: It's always the goddamn children, isn't it Peterson?
MOUSY MAN: Yes, s-sir.
LARGE MAN: Continue.
MOUSY MAN: Well, sir, what if we were to take the fairy tales, and try to appeal to the youg adult demo?  They are already fans of edgy things, and making a fairy tale dark and full of romance would just pull them in!
LARGE MAN: Yes, of course... but what to use?MOUSY MAN: Well, sir, I already have a contender.  What about a new "Snow White", in which there is a love octogon, where each of the Dwarves-
The MOUSY MAN is inturrupted as a Muscle bound arm and fist hit the table, leaving a small dent littered with cracks as it is raised.  There are several other dents on this area of the table, implying that this is a common occurence.
MUSCLE MAN: Objection.  "Snow White" is owned by the Disney company.  Mecha-Walt would never let us get a hand on that property.
LARGE MAN: True.  Mecha-Walt is not a force to be trifled with, Peterson.  How do you explain that?
A SPINDLY MAN removes his legs from the table, sitting forward a bit so we can see his sly red eyes.  He speaks in a smooth, flowing voice.
SPINDLY MAN:  What I believe you're missing, Peterson, is horror.  Scares, that's what the young people want these days.  So, we need to put fear into the fairy tales.
MUSCLE MAN: Well, how could we do that, Johanson?  These are children's stories, for God's sake!
SPINDLY MAN: All we really need... is a monster.  And what better monster... than a wolf?

Well, Internet, that should be enough to get you started on Producers 2: Franchise Eaters.
I'm off.
As always, with my regards,